Today I take a quick break from discussing my dissertation to share a very good article about slowing down and listening. Here are five things author Michael Grothaus learned when he went quiet (mostly) for a week:
- I APPEARED MORE CONFIDENT.
- PEOPLE LISTENED TO ME MORE INTENTLY.
- I BECAME A BETTER LISTENER.
- I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING STUPID.
- I LEARNED HOW TO SPEAK LESS.
I have been a proponent of learning to be comfortable with silence since I started negotiating contracts in the 1980s. We tend to fill silence, especially when we’re uncomfortable, so I create this simple rule to help myself. (It’s 1 of 6 that I created back then; I’ll share the other 5 in future posts.)
3. Say what you have to say; then be quiet. Be comfortable with silence.
Whenever I found myself talking too much (disclosing too much or not giving the other side a chance to respond), I referred to this. Eventually, I started applying this idea to my personal life with great success.
So next time you find yourself filling the silence, just simply shut up. You’ll be amazed how well it works…and how difficult it is to pull off.
What Happened When I Spent A Week Keeping My Mouth (Mostly) Shut by Michael Grothaus in Fast Company Leadership
Advice from Chris Vos, FBI hostage negotiator. Here are his 7 tips:
- Don’t be direct: Direct usually comes off as rude, no matter your intentions. Be nice and slow it down.
- Don’t try to get them to say “yes”: Pushing for a “yes” makes people defensive. Try to get a “no.”
- Do an “accusation audit”: Acknowledge all the negative things they think about you to defuse them.
- Let them feel in control: People want autonomy. Ask questions and let them feel like they’re in charge.
- The two magic words they need to say: Summarize their position to trigger a “That’s right.”
- Listen for levers: They might only need the orange peel. Listen, listen, listen.
- Keep asking “How am I supposed to do that?”: Let them solve your problems for you.
from “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It”
What are your thoughts?
Frankly, as a negotiator, I don’t always get what I want and that’s okay by me; I get what I need (with all due respect to the Rolling Stones). How about you? [I like her 5 points.]
“Fletcher says good negotiators have an ability to do five things well when striking a deal:”
1. THEY SET THE STAGE;
2. THEY FIND COMMON GROUND;
3. THEY ASK WITH CONFIDENCE;
4. THEY EMBRACE THE PAUSE;
5. THEY KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE.